I believe that living with joy, worth, and purpose is the primary endeavor of most people. To live this kind of life, people must pursue three things: self-love, close relationships, and societal contribution. These three pursuits must align harmoniously to actualize our life to its fullest potential. Furthermore, the three pursuits should be undertaken in order. One must love oneself before one can unlock the spectrum of genuine close relationships, and only then can one start pursuing actual societal contributions. I realize there are plenty of flaws in this perhaps all too simple framework for life, but I hope to make a convincing argument as I dive deeper into each of the three components. I will start with the cornerstone: self-love.

Our chief point of reference for everything that happens in our life is ourselves. Every phenomenon that takes place through each individual’s perception occurs in relative circumstances to their own existence. When I see a bird fly across the sky, I observe it from my own senses in the physical space I currently occupy. When I feel sad about the death of the bird, I alone feel my emotions and the effects they have on my mind and body. That is not to say the things I think, feel, or do are in any way unique or exclusive to anyone else feeling that way. But my consciousness and existence are mine alone, and it is impossible for anyone else to perceive the world exactly the same way I do. From this, I don’t think it is selfish at all to start with a focus on the immediate limited nature of our consciousness.

When we ignore that our minds do not automatically produce the perfect objective description of reality due to the abundance (or lack) of information we are always gathering, we are at an extreme risk of losing sight of who we truly are. There must be a recognition that there can be a dissonance between my interpretation of the world and reality. Ignoring this dissonance leads to thoughts, feelings, and actions founded not in reality but in a flawed perception of the world and my place in it. Self-love consists of tangible practices that promote accuracy, perspective, and reflection of self relative to reality. Through these actions, we build the foundation necessary to better understand our place in the world and thrive in our own unique lives.  

So, how exactly do we pursue self-love? Let’s break down self-love into two parts: self-knowledge and self-energy. They are both intentional, active measures taken to get to know and better myself.

I propose three main ways to practice self-knowledge: meditation, writing, and therapy.

1.      Meditation. I am attempting to rekindle the habit of meditation. It is a great way to cultivate self-awareness and perspective on the world and your life. There are great apps out there (I use Waking Up) that guide you through intentional meditation designed to contemplate your own consciousness actively.

2.      Writing. It has become my favorite and, for me, the most deliberate way to engage with my thoughts and feelings. It forces me to clarify and acknowledge things in my mind. I am building the habit of writing solely for myself every morning and every evening. In the morning, I anticipate things I will do throughout the day, and in the evening, I reflect and debrief internally with the day’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.

3.      Therapy. It is a great tool for actively expressing oneself and to wrestle with and make sense of issues or joys in life. Having someone to listen and help you understand yourself can go a long way.

Writing, meditation, and therapy are all actionable practices to combat the discord between reality and self. Consistently practicing any of the three has always yielded an internal clarity and truth that I can never discover simply passively letting the days go by.

The other part of self-love is self-energy. Self-energy can take many different forms, but I keep returning to the idea of artistry in creating or problem-solving. Engaging with the world with our own body and mind is monumentally important. This engagement takes shape through mediums like fitness, music, writing, painting, and whatever other passions a person can pursue. But energy has to be used to express myself in my life. For me, running has consistently been an activity where I have found meaning in devoting energy and time. I genuinely view it as a form of artistic expression and curiosity as I continue to grow as an athlete and individual. I imagine the feeling I get when I run is quite similar to that of my brother when he sits down at the piano. We feel viscerally alive as our minds and bodies flow together to decorate our reality with our choices. These activities bolster the characteristics that make me the person I am and solidify my spirit and well-being. They provide an opportunity for me to create myself in the world and have direct control over how I want to participate in my existence. As I create and explore, I grow in confidence, drive, and encouragement to love myself while building a strong creative identity.

So, through knowledge and energy, we cultivate our self-love. We get closer to a better understanding of what it means to be ourselves. Being more confident and authentic with ourselves relieves us of our internal conflict, thus providing more space and energy to be a son, daughter, mother, father, sibling, friend, coworker, human, etc. Of the three things I mentioned as essential to life (self-love, close relationships, and societal contribution), self-love is not more important than all the others. They all have equal importance, can all stand independently without the others, and certainly will overlap throughout most of life.

That being said, in addition to the fact that I am the only person in charge of my consciousness, I start with self-love because it is not something we are typically taught to do. For close relationships, I remember growing up learning how to be a good brother, friend, and human around other people. For societal contribution, most people spend a tremendous amount of their time and energy learning how society functions (school) and then going out into the world to work and better their community. I was never taught how to contemplate meaningfully on who I am. I don’t think many people ever learn this; it is merely taken for granted that people are who they are. But I truly think self-love is such an important piece missing in so many people’s lives. When we deny ourselves self-love and skip ahead to other pursuits in life – even if they are benevolent and righteous – we create a gap where our identity and relationship with ourselves are lost. Without a solid foothold of our self, we expose ourselves to internal confusion and erosion from the ever-shifting nature of our exterior reality. How can we ever be sure of who we are, as the world constantly changes, if we do not continually seek to affirm the answer for ourselves?

For these reasons, I believe that starting with self-love puts me in a powerful and lucid position in life, allowing me to be a better and more active participant in all my close relationships.