Following self-love, the next important pursuit in life is close relationships. As I discussed in Part One, cultivating meaningful close relationships with others is one of the three foundations (self-love, close relationships, and societal contribution) for living a life filled with joy, worth, and purpose. In this section, I want to discuss two main topics: friendship and family dynamics.

Humans are social creatures that require community and other humans to prosper. Our immediate social relationships have a tremendous impact on our concept of self and the choices we make. The people we interact with influence and guide our actions, thoughts, and feelings. So, as we do our best to understand our reality and shape our lives to search for joy, worth, and purpose, it is paramount that we examine and nurture our social relationships.

The more we actively pursue quality relationships, the more fruitful our existence will be. Throughout our lives, we constantly have opportunities to form connections with others. At some point, we begin calling these people our friends as they are meticulously selected into our circle of people with whom we choose to spend our time. But what does it really mean to be a friend? Is it a parallel existence between two individuals who surpass the required number of hours spent in each other’s company to meet friend criteria? Is it an ineffable quality akin to “the power of friendship” seen dramatically portrayed in movies? Or is it by default the people who see the world most similar to us? In whatever way one defines what friendship means to them, I believe it is important to put serious thought into one’s friendships and their importance.

In today’s world, staying in contact with other people is easier than ever. Yet, at the same time, isolation and lack of meaningful connections have caused mental and physical struggles in all age groups and cultures. We live in an age where the word friendship is cheap and abused. With smartphones and social media constantly available to all of us, it is far too easy to fool the brain into companionship. I often hear that one of the benefits of social media is the ability to keep up with friends and see what everyone in your life is up to. I understand where this sentiment is coming from, but I fundamentally disagree with using these tools as a means to friendship and further believe these electronic devices passively erode friendships.

The modern friendship is too often characterized by frailty, convenience, and circumstance. Friendship ought to be based on trust, sacrifice, and devotion. All relationships exist on a spectrum of how much of myself I am willing to share with this person and how much I am willing to sacrifice for this person. We should seek to form friendships that reach the extremes in both these spectrums. I want my friends to know me as intimately as I know myself, and I want to support them fully and without hesitation in whatever endeavor or challenge they find themselves in. These extremes are lofty goals for a relationship. That is why it is so important to start with self-love. How can I fully share myself or care for someone else when I don’t trust myself or even know who I am? We should all pursue this level of harmony in relationships with other people. It is not to merely coexist in a happy-go-lucky fashion where the lives of individuals coexist when it is easy. This is not inherently bad and will be how most human-to-human interactions run their course. However, this is not friendship; it is just living alongside other people we know.

Meaningful friendships require work. There is no way around it. Regarding friendship, I think the phrase “If you want to be loved, love” goes a long way. Whatever way a relationship exercises friendship, it must be an active endeavor for both parties. While comfort and communication develop over time, both parties always need engagement. Furthermore, genuine friendship is often highlighted by what happens in difficult times in life. Who do I want to be around and hear from when I struggle? Who do I trust to share my fears and shameful moments in life? While the exact dynamics of a friendship will ebb and flow over time, both people must be committed to consistent devotion to each other. People who want to spend time with others only when things are going well are not true friends.

Similar to self-love, where I discussed the importance of dedicating time and energy inward to oneself, one must pour time and energy into others to cultivate meaningful, realized friendships. I understand life gets busy, and keeping up with everyone is difficult. However, a pervasive lie we all tell ourselves is that we do not have the time and energy for endeavors such as friendships. Be wary of these statements and constantly reflect on whether or not these excuses are true or if they reflect a misalignment of one’s priorities. I guarantee that the joy I get and give from having a 30-minute phone call is worth 100 times the little dopamine hit I would get from scrolling through social media and seeing what my friends are up to. How much am I willing to sacrifice for this person? Is a friend I haven’t talked to in months or years not worth a phone call or a letter? Am I instead so self-indulgent that I need to insulate my true self from the outside world and drift by with superficial connections? Time and energy are required. Effort and proactiveness are necessary. The friendships and meaningful connections one can build will shape one’s life. It is with the friends who I love unapologetically that I continue to improve and better understand myself. These same friendships ultimately bring both people joy and clarity in life’s purpose.

Family dynamics is a tough one. I will preface this by saying I am incredibly grateful for my family and childhood. One of the biggest “culture shocks” or differences in meeting new people I have ever had was in college, where I slowly realized that not everyone has a solid family life. I took this for granted basically my entire childhood, and it was news to me that not everyone grows up the same way. Growing up, my family got along very well, and most of my friends had homes with both parents in seemingly happy marriages with families with multiple children. I thought this was how all families behaved and acted. I felt that my suburban Minnesota upbringing was nothing special and that was how things were for everyone. Families where parents had split were exceedingly rare and family dynamics did not typically cause any severe disfunction. Perhaps some of this was due to my narrow-minded ignorance, or maybe it was due to the Minnesota fashion of keeping all problems internal to home and putting on a happy face for the outside world. Whatever it was, I starkly remember meeting new people and realizing that my experience was not universal; instead, it was something unique that I now look back on with gratitude and fondness.

At some level, you get to choose your own family. You get to pick the people who you surround yourself with for your life and choose what they mean to you. As I previously discussed, these relationships shape who we are and their significance cannot be overstated. From my experience, it is easy to simply slide into the role of a brother, son, grandson, or whatever relative relation best describes me based on my family members. I sometimes find myself playing these roles passively without caring what they mean. I can’t remember where I heard it, but I remember talking to someone about how he literally thought about the exact number of times he would get to see his grandparents or parents before our time in life is up. This exercise is sad, but it is sobering. To think I might only see my grandma 20 more times before she dies makes me weigh our relationship differently. The impact is still the same whether that number is 100 or five. It forces you to appreciate your relationship with them and want to take advantage of the time we have together.

Once again, I want to reiterate how grateful I am to be a part of a family where I love and am loved unconditionally. I do not know why, but the genetic bonds that hold us together confer a different type of relationship. However, even within these unconditional relationships, we can still do our best to be better members. I am sure my siblings and parents would still love me if I started behaving poorly and treating them all with disrespect and derision. They might not like me as much and they might not want to spend as much time with me, but they would still love me. But it would be foolish and selfish to abuse the absolute gift of a family of which I am a member. I feel a responsibility to continue cultivating a loving dynamic in my family with my participation. Like self-love and friendships, pour active energy and passion into these relationships. There is so much power and meaning in simply using our time to act on behalf of another individual. These acts are not driven by a selfish desire to improve my standing in their eyes, nor are they always unrealistically selfless to only benefit the life of another. These acts are rooted in a desire to expand and deepen the relationship between the two people involved.

I have written a lot at this point, but it is pretty simple. More so than any other external force, our lives are most significantly affected and influenced by our friends and family. The flip side of this is that every day we have an opportunity and responsibility to positively impact and influence the lives of our friends and family through our actions. Through small choices every day, we build relationships. To passively deny or ignore the importance of these relationships is to invite isolation and decay as a social human being. Being a good friend and family member is a worthwhile pursuit that we must actively explore by devoting time and energy to others. The close relationships we create allow us to love and be loved while also laying the foundation for the what, how, and why behind all the choices we make in life.